The North Korean Rescue Mission

Bill, Al here. How are ya big guy?

Okay, I guess. How are you?

I’ll get right to the point Bill; I’ve got two of my best reporters in a North Korean prison. Only you can get them out. Are you up to a rescue mission?

Well, I don’t know, Al. Hillary has me on a short leash. She’s pretty mad at me for tripping her in the State Department garage; she broke her elbow you know. I told her it was an accident but she doesn’t believe me.

Was it an accident?

“No, but… well yeah I guess so. She just pisses me off. She ran for president for crying out loud. That was MY job! Now she’s the Secretary of State. CRAP! Anyway, she said no upstaging her EVER. So here I am watching “The Young and the Restless.” I guess the answer is no, I can’t rescue anybody today.”

Bill, did I mention my imprisoned reporters were two good-looking Chinese women who haven’t seen their husbands in about six months?”

“I’m feeling their pain Al. I’m your man. When do I leave?”

“Right away. I’ll send a plane to pick you up. Get it in gear Bill, and good luck!”

Twenty four hours later;

“ Kim Ill ole buddy, I want to thank you on nobody’s behalf but my own, for letting those two chicks go. Why were you messing around with two Asian-American chicks anyway? I thought you liked short blondes.

“Dammit Crinton, my name is Kim Jung Irl. Kim is my rast name ar-right? I ought to have you emascurated for insurting me rike dat.”

“Too late pal, Hillary beat you to ‘em. Heh-heh.
By the way, would you like a cigar? It’s from my personal collection. Take a whiff.”

Are you crazy? No way. Why don’t you take those two broads and get out of here?

“Good idea Jung. I’ll just be going then. By the way, I like what you’ve done with your hair, it makes you look taller. Of course it could be those platform shoes you’re wearing. Are you going discoing later? Heh-heh.”

“Just for that Crinton, I fire another missile! Now get the hair out of here before I change my mind! I can’t berieve I asked for you. Next time I ask for Hirrary!”

“Whoa, that’s hitting below the belt, Kimmy. Come along now, you lovely ladies; to the limo we go.”

“Mr. President Clinton sir, thank you so much for getting us out of that hellhole of a prison. I don’t know how we can ever thank you.”

“I can think of a few ways. How about a spring roll? Heh-heh.”

“That’s not very funny sir.”

“Two women in prison, at hard labor, getting all dirty and having to clean up later. Oh yeah, I can picture you two together, suffering in a cold prison shower. Hey-hey. Did they abuse you?”

“No sir.”

“Well, we’ll see what we can do about that!”

“But Mr. President…”

“No butts. Speaking of butts, where are yours? You two are way too skinny. What were you munching on in there?”

“Sir?”

“Never mind. Miss Lingus, you can sit next to me over here. Miss Lee, you can sit up front with my Secret Service detail.”

“Miss Lingus, did anyone ever tell you that you look just like Lucy Liu?”

“Oh man. Yes sir, I hear that all the time. By the way, my name is Laura Ling not Lingus.

“Oh yeah baby! That just rolls off your tongue doesn’t it? Laura Ling, Laura Ling, Laura Ling! Heh-heh. I got your name confused with something else. Heh-heh.”

“You are one excited man Mr. President. Please calm yourself!”

“It shows huh? Listen Lucy, I haven’t climbed Mt. Hillary since I was governor. I’m looking for mountains a little farther from home now, if you know what I mean. I even brought some climbing gear.”

“Well you are NOT climbing me buster!”

“How about some sightseeing then? Before we head to the airport, why don’t I show you around my-ole-wang!”

“What did you just say?”

“Uh oh, I said why don’t I show you around Pyongyang.”

“I think I’ve seen and heard quite enough already Mr. President.”

“Please call me Bubba; and you haven’t heard anything yet. Just wait until you hear me play the har-Monica. I brought one along. See, you just put it to your lips like this, blow gently and I make the most beautiful music…”

“You are weirding me out Bubba. Just stay away from me.”

“I was a Rhodes scholar you know.”

“What did they teach you?”

“Music appreciation.”
“Hey, do you think my white hair makes me look like Phil Donahue?”

“Sir, we’ve arrived at the plane.”

“Oh good, we’re here. Okay, you two, let’s get on board. Ladies first; get up those steps to freedom. Backfield in motion, yeah, five yard penalty. Heh-heh.”

“Hey, wait a minute Lucy, what’s the hurry? There’s something I’ve always wanted to know about Chinese women. Wait a minute, can I at least show you around the cock pit?”

Flight attendants prepare for take off and cross check.

“Mr. President, you need to be seated and fasten your belts.”

“You mean fasten my seat belt, don’t you?”

“No sir, fasten your belts; your seat belt and your trouser belt, and your fly is open as well.”

“Well thanks for noticing honey. You know, you sure are pretty. What’s your name?”

“Just call me Miss. This is going to be a long flight home sir, just relax.”

“Okay. I like really strong women. Did you know I was a Rhodes scholar?”

“Oh brother, here we go again.”

“Do you think my white hair makes me look like Phil Donahue?

“Your hair makes you look very distinguished, sir. Just sit back now, and enjoy the flight.”

“Distinguished huh? Whatever you say, honey. Hey Miss, would you fasten my seat belt for me?
Hey, where ya going, a little help here!”

The two flight attendants are talking to each other.
“The two women journalists have locked themselves in the lavatories and are refusing to come out; shouldn’t we ask them to come out and be seated for take off?”
“No, leave them where they are, they’re safer there than out here.”

Flight attendants assume your positions for take off.

“Oh Yeah, taking off position! Yeah, that’s the ticket. Hillary, eat my dust.”